Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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