I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
