look no pants
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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