Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
