i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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