broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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