Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
