please come you make the beer taste better
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize