Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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