I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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