literally had 100 drinks last night.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
