dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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