I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Randomize
