She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
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