I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
this must be what syphilis tastes like
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
