I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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