I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
