The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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