Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
