I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
