I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
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