She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
