i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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