Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
