Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
A bitchslap is in order.
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