He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
