I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
