I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
