He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
