I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
