you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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