I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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