haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I cut my penus on the lid.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
