Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
There are leaves in my underwear?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
