She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
