I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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