You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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