Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
