So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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