I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
