he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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