Where did you get a picture of my penis
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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