am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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