So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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