My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
