i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
