she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
