My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
A+ Viking dick
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
