Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
