you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
