when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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