u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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