The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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