saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
