Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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