Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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