totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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