I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
