i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
