why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
